This post in no way relates to me or the incidents in my life. Just a flight of imagination combined with lunacy. I am in no way responsible for the mental agony caused because of this post. Now that you have been cautioned, read on and screw up the precious ten minutes of your life.
I doubt there will be any heterosexual guy who wouldn’t yearn for a girl in his life. Yes, it also includes those nerdy folks who prefer to solve a problem on differential equations instead of watching TV.
You can imagine a world without any more Android updates. You can imagine a world where China becomes the world’s largest democracy. You can even imagine a world where Yuvraj Singh can bat well. But you can’t for once imagine a world without those beautiful creatures that God made out of Adam’s ribcage.
yuvraj singh
A period comes in a man’s life when he decides that he should have a companion who “loves, cares and adores” him. He wants someone who will treasure him just like he treasures her. Whether that companion fulfills his simple aspirations is an altogether different matter.
So, my largely empty brain decided to come up with a blog post where I will make an attempt to highlight what a guy goes through when he decides to get into a relationship.
Phase I- Singlehood:
The guy is living a happy life.
He loves watching MTV, playing Age of Empires III and thoroughly enjoys riding his bike at 80km/hr. Above 100Km/hr in case you own a Pulsar/CBZ/Karizma/Fazer, I won’t mention Apache ‘cos I hate TVS.
He curses his luck whenever he comes across a couple on bike. He quips to his friend who is also single, ‘yaar inko koi sharam nahi hai?’(Do they have no shame?) when he observes that the girl is holding on tightly to the guy.
Of course that statement is more out of frustration rather than a serious concern for the obnoxiously conservative society he lives in.
Meanwhile, the nerdy boy is loving his books. He successfully comes up with 43 ways to fuck the crap out of his non-nerdy classmates, i.e, academically… there’s no other way he can do that.
But don’t underestimate the soda-glassed nerds when it comes to girls. Their neurons can’t compete with their hormones.
Phase II- In a Relationship:
Some of the jealous oglers and nerds do get lucky(a debatable term). After all, God has to prove his existence to those who live a hopeless life.
So he spends his days with his girlfriend in malls, shops, highways, eateries, theatres and what-not. Of course, he used to hangout there with this friends before as well. But this time he has a smile and message. A message to the atheists: “God is there”.
He forgets the meaning of the word ‘Study’. His mobile recharges have shot up 3 times. Undoubtedly, the cell phone operator has just bought a supercomputer from IBM to calculate his talktime charges.
MTV and Age of Empires III are pissed off at being ignored. His bike doesn’t go above 40Km/hr and his cellphone hates to ring every 3 minutes carrying an SMS.
His parents keep asking him questions as to why he is always stuck to his phone. He wriggles out saying different names everytime.
Then comes the sad part, when the relationship becomes serious. The girl asks(read, commands) him to be responsible in his life. She wants him to study hard and get a good job, so that she could -few weeks/months/years down the line- convince her parents that her boyfriend is as good as the groom they have selected.
She rebukes him for wasting time in the malls, shops, highways, eateries, theatres and what-not. He meekly tries to protest that it was she who insisted on it , and that he paid for all the expenses. You guessed it right!!! He was thrashed for coming up with that argument.
Another 2 hours on the phone and 40 SMSes later, the girl finally accepts his apology. Did I mention that the girl banged the phone 6 times in those 2 hours?
He curses his course books for being the so tough on his love life. He curses his professors. He curses God. Out of nowhere he gets this desperate urge to watch MTV, but the remote is with mom, watching a serial. Poor guy lost his TV time-slot.
He fires up his PC to play Age of Empires III, but the game got corrupt. Thats the game’s way of telling “Fuck you asshole!!! for all those moments you ignored me”.
He resigns and helplessly grinds his way through his course books.
The lucky(again a debatable term) ones who manage to study hard and secure a good job ultimately get the girl(unless the girl’s father has contacts with the ‘Khap’ clan). They stay in this phase for their entire life while the rest move on to the 3rd phase.
Phase III- The Break-up:
Those who fail to be responsible in their life are the ones who fall into this category. Of course they do have the company of two-timing cheater boozos in this category. But its like being jailed for a suicide-attempt and having a murderer as his jail mate.
He finds it difficult to live without the constantly buzzing cellphone. The moment his phone rings, he excitedly receives it only to hear the girl on the other side say: “Sir mai ****** ***** Bank se baat kar rahi hun. Kya aap life insurance lena chahenge?”(Sir, I am talking from ****** ***** Bank. Are you interested in a life insurance policy?). He bellows few curses and disconnects.
But, sooner or later, he rediscovers his life. The life which he had forsaken eons ago. He reintroduces himself to his old friends. They point out the changes in him and come up with the cliched line “Maine bola tha ladki ke peeche mat pad”(I told you not to run after chicks). If only he listened to his friends.
He vows he would never love any girl. He vows he would never get into a relationship. He proclaims that love is a waste of time and energy.
After all those proclamations, he replaces Age of Empires III with World of Warcraft and fights with his mom for the remote so that he can catch up on MTV Roadies. Ah… the awesomeness of visual media.
But then, men are men. Three months down the line, he is again jealous of every other couple roaming the city on the bike and unfortuntely, he re-enters the first phase. God Save Him.
A Little Note About the Nerdy Guy:
The geek finds it relatively easy to become mature and responsible and hence stay in phase II.
If at all he gets totally fucked up in life and ends up in the 3rd phase, he goes back to his books. Not for academics and marks, but to create a legion of plutonium powered lego-demons who will help him kill off every other girl who shares her first name with his ex-girlfriend.
Image credit for the ‘Love’ image: Aunt Oweee: http://www.flickr.com/photos/aunto/3281711078/
Comments (2) 
Its tough being a farzi engineer, when you have to score marks even when you hate the subject like anything.
Themocracy