I know, I know, I know. Obama died a long time back…. errr… I meant Osama. Much has happened since then: Saurav Ganguly made his IPL4 debut, Mamata beat the shit out of lefts and a cat in my neighborhood died.

But… we all have been talking about Osama for almost 10 years now, so I am entitled to talk about him at least for few more months, if not years. Also, the fact that I haven’t gorged on Vada Pav for past 4 months is working against the part of my brain which usually comes up with ideas as fresh as the grains stashed in the Govt godowns.

Okay, so before I reveal my strategy on how India could have bumped off Osama from the terror(cough *Pakistan* cough) map, I want you to assume few assumptions:

1. Assume that it was India who created Osama and al-Qaeda in the ’80s to fight against the Martians occupying the Siachen glacier.
2. Assume that Osama went rogue after eliminating the Martians and turned against India during the birth of terrorism in Kashmir in the late ’80s.
3. Assume that instead of Twin Towers, he crashed Air India flights onto two DLF towers in Noida.

The benefit of the above assumptions is that you need not assume anymore of how Osama would be living in Pakistan. He would be roaming carefree in the streets of Karachi or Lahore just like all those terrorists who have attacked us do.

Now, don’t expect me to come up with the usual Rajinikant(don’t you dare crack a joke on him) or the dossier-sending jokes, ‘cos that would be very lame on my part. The absolute killer technique which I am gonna tell now is absolutely doable in the real sense of the world, and you don’t even need to send choppers and NSG commandos across the border.

Stage 0: Giving The Operation A Name

The Americans named the mission as Operation Geronimo, named after an Apache Warrior who always evaded the authorities. So, keeping with our Indian traditions of (un)original thinking, I would name it as….

mmmmmmmm…..

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm…

How about Operation FindingNemo?? Yes, thats the one. Sounds unique and original.

Stage I: ‘Pawar’ful Capture Tactics

Who Will Do It?

Sharad Pawar

How Will He Do It??

I know many Indians don’t like him but he is the only one who can do this job. As the boss of International Cricket Council, which (mis)governs the game of cricket all over the world, he will play an instrumental role in Operation FindingNemo: The Capture of Osama.

The plan is as simple as the recipe for boiled eggs – ban Pakistan from playing cricket. Yes, ban it. When that happens, everyone in Pakistan will be outraged. With no chance of playing in the international arena, the youth will protest on the streets burning effigies of ICC and Pawar.

The digitally connected youth will bash ICC, Pawar and India on Facebook and Twitter by creating communities like ‘ICC pe laanat’, ‘Pawar pe laanat’ and ‘India pe laanat‘. While the interior minister of Pakistan, Rehman Malik, will blame the RAW and Indian Army out of the habitual habit which he has cultivated over the past few years.

Shahid Afridi will do a Shahid Huffridi and bite more balls. Amongst all these, Dawood Ibrahim will be the most hit because now he can’t fix any matches.

Time for Sharad Pawar to play the masterstroke.

He will ask the Pakistanis to hand over Osama in order to be able to play cricket again. We know the Pakistanis love their cricket as much as we Indians do, and I whole-heartedly believe they will definitely hand him over to us at the Wagah border.

But, in case he manages to evade the public wrath, Dawood will do the job for us. He will never let his business die just because of a retired terrorist.

…. What?? You think ICC will never take such a step?? Come on… the ICC in past has taken many decisions that are stupider than this stupid decision.

Stage II: Death by Pure Awesomeness

Who Will Do It??

Gaptun Vijaykanth(left) and T Rajendar(right)

How Will They Do It?

After being captured Osama will not be taken to court. He will be flown straight to Chennai to meet his death. Yes Arundhati Roy, you can scream and shout about human rights and justice as much as you want.

To those who don’t know, these are two Tamil superstars who can beat the pulp out of anyone who dares annoy them. The following videos may help you gauge their supernatural ability to transform into one of the most feared people on the planet.

As you can see from the videos, they both can easily finish off Osama alone. But by teaming up they will make sure that he gets a death which is gruesomer than getting his head shot by the Navy SEALs.

Stage III: Diggy His Grave

Who Will Do It??

You know him very well… His name rhymes with Bigvijay

How Will He Do It??

Since the entire capture and assassination has been done in the CONgress regime and before the Uttar Pradesh state elections, he will be buried with full respect conforming to his religion.

His burial place will be decided by Digvijay Singh and the funeral prayers will be lead by Syed Ali Shah Geelani.

Since he was killed mercilessly by two super humans, the Indian Govt will not release the pics of his dead body. But they will ultimately find their way to TimesNow, which somehow happens to have the inside scoop on almost everything.

The govt , though, will release the pics from situation room(10 Janpath) showing the reactions of Manmohan Singh, P Chidambaram and Sonia Gandhi while they oversee the entire assasination episode.

But if you are a girl and a fan of Rahul Gandhi, then I am sorry to disappoint you. He will not be in the situation room ‘cos Amul Babies aren’t supposed to watch T Rajendar’s hairdo.

I hope you like this blueprint and if you happen to know any Army or RAW officer please let them know about my clever plans. I am willing to help the Indian authorities for free.

And now, before you all roll off to die after reading my ass-assination plan, please watch another proof of Gaptun Vijaykanth’s amazing powwwer: